


Mixed-Up Marriages

by MaeveBran



Category: Angel: the Series, Bones (TV), Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack Relationships, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-20
Updated: 2006-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-25 18:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2631524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeveBran/pseuds/MaeveBran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Booth, Bones, and the Squints find themselves in interesting situations with Buffy, Willow, and the Fang Gang post-NFA. Darn those inconvenient portals...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mr. and Mrs. Booth

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete CRACK and not part of any of my series. Contains five stories that tie together for the Marriage Law Ficathon.

Special Agent Seeley Booth was somewhat bewildered. He knew how he had got into this predicament but he couldn't quite believe it. He was in a Hell dimension and would be marrying Buffy Summers in a matter of minutes. Not that he was complaining about his bride; Buffy was a pretty, competent, self-reliant woman with super powers. But the idea of being forced to marry a woman because he had touched her bare arm when helping her up from their fall through the portal from Los Angeles was disconcerting. 

Buffy was led by a serving maid into the chamber. She was draped in white silky cloth from head to toe and had additional sheer, filmy material draped over her as a veil. She was mostly hidden right down to gloves on her hands. She reached out a hand to Booth as the Official started the local ceremony. It was mercifully short with only one question asked to each of them; when they answered in the affirmative they were pronounced married. 

"You will be given lodgings, but to ensure that you aren't just going through the formalities, there are video cameras hidden in the suite." the Official said. "May your marriage be blessed," he intoned as he bowed and left.

Booth and Buffy exchanged worried glances. There wasn't much they could do; they had been threatened with prison for refusing to marry. While they could do prison on principle, they couldn't find their way home from prison. They had conferred briefly before agreeing and decided that they had a better chance together and free, so they would marry and continue searching for away home. Video cameras hadn't been mentioned.

"Queen Violetta, the Darling, decreed that all marriages must be true marriages no matter the reason for it," said the maid as she lead them down the corridors. "We have lost many of our citizens in raids from our neighbors so she is simply trying to increase our population. Queen Violetta, the Darling, is a wise and bountiful ruler."

Booth and Buffy exchanged glances. "So is it just video, or is there audio too?" asked Booth, a little worried.

"Only video. We aren't completely perverted, just trying to ensure our Kingdom's survival," the maid answered, offended. "Here we are. This suite is yours for as long as you wish. There are, sadly, many unoccupied living quarters here in the palace these days. Back fifty years ago these were the rooms for the commander of the guard for the second born daughter to the King and Queen."

Booth and Buffy entered and the maid left. The room was all white marble and sandalwood. It had a wide marble veranda and a beautiful view of the sea. The bed was huge and covered in silk and silk covered pillows. It was really rather luxurious. Buffy didn't really notice, though, she just stood still in the center of the room, afraid to move. Booth came up behind her and put a hand sympathetically on her shoulder. She nearly jumped a foot in the air.

"I'm sorry to have startled you. How about we take that veil off?" Booth calmly suggested. 

Buffy took his suggestion and removed the veil. "How can you be so calm about this, Agent Booth?" she accused.

"I'm not calm, but I learned long ago to try to appear so," Booth answered. Then his famous 'charm smile' made an appearance. "Also, I think you should call me Seeley. After all, you are my wife and there isn't anything here for me to be an Agent of."

That brought a weak smile to Buffy's face, "I'll try to remember, Seeley."

Booth looked around and finally settled on a chair to sit down in and gestured to Buffy to do the same. She settled hesitantly on a chair facing him. 

"Relax, I'm not going to jump you," he said. "I think we have some time before they come and force us into bed if we haven't..."

Buffy relaxed a little at his comment. "It's just unsettling. This isn't the way I pictured my wedding."

"You pictured it with Angel didn't you," Booth stated.

"Yes," Buffy agreed.

"Tell me about your relationship. I gather it was complicated, with him being a vampire and you being a slayer," Booth fished.

"You have no idea. That wasn't the half of it. The curse that gave him back his soul had a clause that he didn't know about," Buffy said. "If he achieved perfect happiness, even just a moment of it, he'd lose his soul. "

"Let me guess, he had a moment of perfect happiness," Booth looked at her face, "From the look on your face, I'll venture that it happened when he was with you. I'll also guess he got his soul back since he didn't kill me when we met a week ago."

"You'd be right on all accounts," Buffy said. "My history with Angel is, well, complicated."

"I have no problem with that. I also know that I look like him. I can't help that. You can't help your feelings for him," Booth assured her. The he got up and went over to her. "Sooner or later we have to...." Booth trailed off, letting Buffy fill in the blank.

"Yeah. Sooner or later," Buffy agreed. 

He sat down on the arm of her chair and put an arm around her. It was unsettling, Angel's face on a warm body with a pulse. 

Buffy found herself curious what it would be like to be with Booth. It wouldn't be Angel, but maybe the next best thing, or maybe even better. No curse to worry about and a warm body in bed instead of a room temperature one. Buffy stretched up and brought her mouth inches away from Seeley's. "What are we going to do now?"

He moved his head and kissed her tentatively. Then he moved back an inch to speak, "I think we do what we have to and make the best of it." Seeley flashed his famous 'charm smile' again, which got a laugh out of Buffy. He pulled her close and started to undress her all the while kissing her neck and back. 

Before Buffy knew it she was naked and laid out on the bed. 

Several hours later, Booth awoke to find his wife curled up as far away from him as she could get and still be in bed with him. He swore he could hear her faintly crying. He reached out a hand to her shoulder. "Buffy," he said quietly, not knowing what else to say.

"Booth," she answered.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked just as quietly.

"Not really," she answered. "But you do deserve an answer. It is just that I feel like I betrayed him. And that makes me feel like I've betrayed you too," Buffy moaned mournfully.

"I won't pretend that that doesn't sting a little, 'cause it does, but you have every right to feel that way." He reached to slide her closer to him. "Buffy, I worry that if you try to sleep there, that you'll roll off on to the floor. So come here and I promise not to bite." 

That got a chuckle out of her. Buffy slid over and curled up into his arms and slept the night.


	2. Dr. and Mr. O'Connor

A month or so after Buffy and Booth were married, they were walking around the site where they had landed from the portal when a big blue swirly thing appeared and out fell Angel and Dr. Temperance Brennan. Before either Booth or Buffy could speak, Angel had grasped Brennan's elbow and helped her up. The same field workers who had spotted Booth's and Buffy's illegal contact, spotted this one as well. Before the quartet really knew what was going on, Angel and Brennan were married and escorted to their own living quarters with the reminder of the video cameras, and then left alone.

Silence reigned for a solid five minutes. Part of that time, Tempe spent getting rid of the wedding veil and gloves. Then the silence became too much for Angel.

"I guess we should talk. I don't know about you, but I don't just jump into bed with someone I don't really know," Angel said as an icebreaker. "At least not any more," he clarified.

"I don't either. Although if you were to ask Booth, he'd probably call me promiscuous," Tempe answered as she sat down on the white wicker and heavily cushioned couch. 

Angel ambled over and set in the matching chair at right angles to her. "Does it bother you that I look like him?" he asked, to get the most uncomfortable question out of the way.

"No. I have no idea where you got the idea that it would," she almost snapped. "I honestly don't have feelings for Booth other than friendship and respect."

"I had to ask," Angel defended himself. Then he warned her," My relationships the last few years haven't turned out that well."

"Neither have mine," Tempe agreed.

"But you didn't have your girlfriend send you to Hell for a couple of hundred years did you?" Angel asked, lightly.

"No girlfriends and no boyfriends have sent me to Hell for any length of time," she responded. "You win in the lousy relationship department."

"Yeah, the relationship with Buffy was a dozy. But she had no choice at the time; it was either me or the whole world got sucked into hell, so I don't blame her," Angel said by way of explanation.

"You will have to explain that one sometime, but not now," Brennan said, a little afraid of what the whole story might be. For now, all she wanted was to get the whole thing over with so they could move on with finding a way home. Then she remembered something. "You had to stay out of sunlight back home or you would catch on fire, yet we got here in the middle of the day and walked all the way here and no flames. Why?"

"Different dimensions mean the sunlight is different and doesn't react with vampire physiology. If this place is like Pylea, if I were to go vamp, I'd turn into a terrible monster. Not the one with fangs and ridges on the forehead, but a true demon. I would not be really able to control the change like I do back home. Just be warned. It may happen if we end up in a fight to leave," Angel cautioned. "I don't mean to scare you but you should know."

"I've trekked through Tibet avoiding the Chinese Army and I've survived being a captive of an El Salvadorian guerrilla. I think I can handle whatever you become," Brennan replied with a great deal of confidence

Angel gave her a look of both respect and doubt. Respect for what she had survived and doubt of her ability to deal with the Angel monster.

"I think we should be working on how to get home. You said you've been to another one of these dimensions before. How did you get home then?" Brennan asked.

Angel was uncomfortable with the question. It reminded him of the first time he'd met Fred. She had been crazy from being captive for five years. It saddened him that sweet, crazy Winifred Burkle had become Illyria, god-king of the Universe. But Brennan's question deserved an answer. "A friend figured out how to operate the portal. And no, I do not expect her to fall through the portal. She is no longer with us. Illyria took over her body and burned her soul out," Angel finally answered flatly.

"All right. We'll have to figure something else out then," Brennan said realizing the loss was to recent. She may despise psychology, but even she could tell when someone was in pain. It took her a while to realize it but she could feel a friend's pain. Angel may not be precisely a friend but he was her husband now. Which reminded her of something. "We probably should get on with this," she said, gesturing to the bed.

Angel looked embarrassed and nodded. He came over to her and grabbed her in his arms. He looked in her eyes for a moment and then kissed her. Soon they were naked and laying on the bed. They both had long ago given up on the idea that sex and eternal love went together, so were able to enjoy what came next without any guilt.


	3. Dr. and Mrs. Hodgins

Angel and Brennan joined Buffy and Booth in trying to find a way home. The four worked tirelessly, but had no luck for four weeks. They had taken to walking everyday to the spot where they had fallen through the portal to discuss the latest attempts at finding away home. It was on one of these expeditions that the blue swirly thing happened again. This time it was Dr. Jack Hodgins and Illyria who fell through the portal. They didn't fall side by side like the previous two couples. No, they fell on top of each other with no way around the touching of bare limbs. The foursome watched in amused horror as the same field workers rushed Hodgins and Illyria off to get married. 

Hodgins listened in horror as the maid explained about the video cameras. He realized that at some point soon he was going to have to make love to the creature standing beside him. He was slightly intimidated at the thought, after all she might have been wearing the guise of the shell - Winifred Burkle- but she was still Illyria, god king of the Universe. Hodgins just wondered what she was thinking about all of this.

"I view you as an insignificant insect, but you do have a somewhat pleasing form. I suppose I would be able to mate with you," Illyria declared imperiously.

Hodgins shook his head. So, that answered the question of what she was thinking. He wasn't sure he liked it, but she did have a certain way with words and looked kind of cute with her head tilted quizzically to the side. He supposed there could be worse fates. He just hoped that Illyria wasn't one for squishing bugs. Jack had a fascination with insects but had never been treated as such. 

The next morning, Jack woke up with blue hair spread around his shoulders and groaned. He had forgotten, in his sleep, about his current predicament. He gently removed the blue lady from her position wrapped around him and got up. The second he touched her, the memories of what actually happened last night returned in full force. Far from squashing him like a bug, making love to Illyria had been a most eye-opening experience... but he had to force that thought away. They had work to do and were meeting with the others in a few minutes. 

Jack was still grinning when they walked into the sitting room of the apartment belonging to the Booths. It was odd to think of Booth being married, and not to Brennan. He and Illyria were the last to arrive. Seated together were Buffy and Brennan on the couch. Angel and Booth were in chairs at either end of the couch looking like a matched set of bookends. 

"I see you survived your night with Smurfette," Angel remarked dryly to Hodgins. Then to Illyria he said, "Is he your new Qwa'ha Xahn?"

"No. I have no need of a Qwa'ha Xahn since you stripped my power. The being designated Hodgins is my consort," Illyria declared looking at Angel like he should know better.

"A what?" Hodgins asked, seriously confused.

"A Qwa'ha Xahn, the lead priest and servant of her cult," Angel answered. "Her last two died untimely deaths, so you are lucky to be her consort instead."

"Oh," Hodgins said not knowing what else to say.

"Can we get down to business now?" Buffy asked. "Interesting as this discussion is, we do have more important things to discuss. Like a way home before too long. Booth and I have been here two months already and I need to get back."

"Two months? You've only been gone something like four hours in LA. We noticed you two were missing, so Dr. Brennan and Angel went looking for you. Then they disappeared too, so Illyria and I went looking and then we fell through as well," Hodgins explained.

"Only four hours? I guess time does move differently in this dimension. I remember Giles saying something about that after the Acathla thing," Buffy said looking down or anywhere but at Angel.

Booth and Hodgins looked confused. Brennan seemed to reach a hand out to Angel like she had some understanding of the Acathla thing. Illyria looked bored.

"So no one will miss us for awhile yet, I guess," Hodgins said. "So we have to do something ourselves."

"We have been trying, but maybe new brains can help. I mean god king of the Universe should be able to help," Buffy suggested looking straight at Illyria.

"I have never been to this dimension before," stated the blue wonder. "I can be of no use in this situation."

"So tell us what you have tried," Hodgins said. The others did just that.


	4. Mr. and Mrs. Pratt

The daily treks to the portal site continued for another month. One day the trek took longer than usual because Booth had begun fussing over Buffy since her pregnancy had started to show.

Brennan and Hodgins were amused at the antics of the former FBI Agent. Illyria couldn't care less about another of the insects coming into existence. Angel, however, was missing Connor all the more, especially since Brennan had told him that very morning that she too was in the family way. Angel had reacted rather well since he was a vampire and shouldn't be able to have children, Connor not withstanding. The group was even more determined to get out of the dimension before anyone else got sucked into the dimension or Illyria turned up pregnant, too. 

They had reached the site and were looking around again, when the portal opened yet again. Once they noticed the beginnings of the blue swirl, Hodgins and Brennan started to pay particular attention to the atmospheric conditions around it. Then the swirl got big enough for transport and two people came tumbling out. This time, it was Angela Montenegro and Spike. Spike started to freak out because of the sun, causing Angela put her hand on him to calm him down, and in the process she managed to grab his bare hands. Those pesky field workers did their job and before anyone really could figure out how this had happened yet again, Angela and Spike were married.

Spike and Angela were given quarters in the same wing as the others, warned about the video cameras and then left alone. They stood there starring at each other for a while.

"Did you ever imagine yourself in a fix like this, luv," Spike asked as an ice breaker.

"I never did, Spike." Angela replied, then made a face. "I think I may need something other than Spike to call you."

"What's wrong with Spike? Don't fancy yourself married to a weirdo named Spike?" Spike smirked.

"Not that. I've dated circus people. I just think it would be nice to have a real name instead of Mrs. Spike," Angela replied.

"Oh that. When I was alive my name was William Pratt. It has been over a hundred and twenty-five years since I went by that, luv. But I suppose I still am William Pratt on paper. Does that work for you?" Spike answered.

"Sure does, William." Angela replied with a twinkle in her eyes. Spike stepped forward and put his arms around her. She reached her arms around him and he kissed her. It was tentative at first but as they both started to get into to it, the kiss turned passionate.

Clothes started flying in all directions and their breathing became erratic. They backed up towards the bed, but they missed.


	5. Mr. and Mrs. Addy

The group continued to try to find a way back home but had no joy. They were still trekking daily to the spot where they had all landed but the portal did not open again even though they were there at the same time. Spike and Angela were joining with the others in the search but did not have much to contribute to the solution to the problem. Another month passed in much the same as the other three had. Booth and Buffy had now been stuck for four months, and Buffy was three months pregnant.

One day, on their trek the blue swirly thing happened yet again, and out tumbled Willow Rosenberg and Zack Addy, the last of the group who had been together in Los Angeles. The others were almost able shout a warning when Willow reached down and grabbed both of Zack's arms to help him to his feet. The warning hadn't come in time but had served as an alert to the ever-vigilant field hands. The pesky field hands did their duty and rushed Willow and Zack to the altar.

Willow and Zack had only been in the dimension a couple of hours and they were already married. Willow did not think this was a very fair arrangement. But she remembered what Buffy had managed to tell her in the brief time they had been left alone to get ready for the ceremony.

"Just go with it. It is either marry or prison. If you're in prison, none of us can leave until you're free and we may only get one shot at going home," Buffy had explained.

Willow had managed to mutely nod her understanding of the situation.

"Willow, there is one other thing that they won't mention until after the ceremony. Your quarters will be luxurious, but watched by video cameras to make sure you aren't entering a marriage of convenience. We aren't sure how vigilant they are in watching the video feed, so you have to make a good show of it," Buffy had explained further.

"Obviously, you and Booth have been making a very good show of it," Willow had replied, indicating her best friend's tummy which had extended noticeably in pregnancy. Buffy had just smiled in reply.

"We'll talk tomorrow. Us married ladies," Buffy had said as she squeezed Willow's hand encouragingly. Then the maid had come to usher Willow to the wedding.

That had been a half hour ago. Now Willow stood draped in white from head to toe staring at her husband, Zack. Willow had given up on a white wedding when Oz had left her five years ago and she had started dating women. It was an odd thing, after being gay for four and a half years to be left alone with a very male husband. She hoped she remembered where everything went because Zack was looking very intimidated and nervous. He couldn't be much older than she was. She wondered what had Zack quaking in his boots.

Finally, Willow reached up and removed the veil and then the gloves. "That's better. I feel more like me now, not some dress up doll," Willow said to fill the silence. Then she laughed a little. "Either you have to talk or I will."

"Uh. I don't know what to say. I've never been in this position before. Or anything remotely like it," Zack said.

"What, you've never fallen into a Hell dimension and been forced to marry a lesbian before?" Willow asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"No. Wait, did you say lesbian?" Zack asked, startled. "You've never ... With a man, I mean?"

Willow smirked. "I have. I did have a boyfriend in high school. But after he left I fell in love with Tara. She died a couple of years later. I mourned her, then I dated Kennedy for awhile, but we broke up a few months ago. That's it my entire history. How about you?"

"There have been a few girls. None that lasted more than once in bed." Zack blushed thinking of Naomi in paleontology, who refused to talk to him after their one encounter.

"Okay, so we'll both be fumbling around. I think we should get to it sooner rather than later. Putting it off won't make what we have to do any easier," Willow suggested as her face turned the color of her hair.

"Um. Okay." Zack whispered, blushing just as hard. He took a step towards her and awkwardly put his arms around her. She stretched up and kissed him. They managed to strip each other of clothes between kisses and wind up on the bed. Both seemed to remember what to do.

* * *

The next morning, Willow slipped out of bed with out waking Zack. She went in search of Buffy and found her two doors down looking for her. The two went into the living room of the Booths' suite. Buffy had coffee and breakfast laid out on the coffee table waiting for them.

"Uh, so where is the hunky husband?" Willow asked, more as an opening line than really wanting to know.

"He s out taking his morning jog. You can take the man out of the army but you can't take the army out of the man," Buffy explained. "So you think Seeley is a hunk, do you?"

"No more than I thought Angel was a hunk, which I did. What ever else I thought of Angel, I always thought he was good looking," Willow replied. 

"So how are things with you and... Zack is it?" Buffy inquired, curious how her friend was reacting to present circumstances.

"He's fine. A little shy and hesitant but geeky. We get along fine," Willow answered.

"No weirdness with him being male?" Buffy asked.

"Buffy, that is none of your business," Willow said outraged. Buffy laughed and turned the conversation to other things. 

Soon the others started drifting in to share breakfast. The very last to enter was Booth, who was leading Zack with him. Booth sat on the couch beside Buffy. Zack sat on a chair beside Willow's. Angel and Brennan sat on the other couch. Spike sat in a chair at the other end of the coffee table from Willow and Zack. Angela lounged on the arm of Spike's chair. Illyria sat in the remaining chair while Hodgins sat at her feet on the floor. It was an interesting group, but what made it really interesting was the way they were paired up. Some like Buffy and Booth made sense but the pairing of Illyria and Dr. Hodgins seemed rather unlikely to Willow.

The group talked about their predicament in depth. Now that all ten of them were here, they figured they would eventually find a way out. They decided to keep looking but that since time passed differently here that they had a while before anyone would be looking for them.

"Buffy, you have been missing for about eight hours and you have been here for... what, four months?" Willow said.

"Yeah, four months," Buffy agreed.

"So eight hours translates to a month every two Earth hours." Zack said following where his wife was leading. "It was Friday afternoon, about 5 pm when Willow and I fell through the portal. Dr. Goodman wasn't looking to hear from us until first thing Tuesday with the holiday."

"Right, that was eighty-eight hours which translates to forty-four months," Hodgins said.

"Dawn wasn't expecting to hear from me till about then either. After about noon on Tuesday, Dawn will alert Giles and then the Council will work on the problem," Buffy said wearily. Four years was a long time to wait.

"So what do we do?" asked Angela. "Four years is a long wait. Who knows how many children would be born in that time."

"Children? You mean more than just Buffy's kid?' Willow said shocked.

"Definitely. This place has something in the water. Dr. Brennan is pregnant too," said Spike. "I mean there has to be something if the great poof over there can spawn." Spike indicated Angel on that last.

"Watch it, William, or you might find yourself a soon to be father too," growled Angel.

Willow pondered that for a bit. There must be some thing that was making this dimension rather fertile if vampires could have children. She wondered just how many would be returning when they left. They would have some explaining to do when they got back to Earth.


End file.
